Trauma and Your Relationship: How to Heal

When you’re in a relationship with a trauma survivor, it is likely that you have become aware of a few obstacles that can be difficult to overcome, including that it is simply difficult to see someone you care about struggling with the impact of trauma or abuse (whether the trauma occurred before or during your relationship). Still, it’s possible to have a loving, healthy, and connected relationship.

The ability to allow your partner to feel safe and letting them know they can trust you are the key components to healing your relationship when trauma is a factor.

How Can Trauma Impact Your Relationship?

The answer to that question often depends on the type of event (or events) your partner has experienced. It could be anything from child abuse, rape, or combat, to a car accident. Each different type of trauma leads to different types of environmental cues that lead the survivor to re-experience and go into survival mode. Regardless of the type of trauma, there are certain obstacles that usually affect relationships.

Some of the most common hurdles you’ll face with your partner include:

• They may have difficulty accepting love

• Emotional distancing

• Persistent doubt in your faithfulness and commitment to them

• Over or under-reaction to conflict

It’s important to understand that trauma survivors need different types of support. They need to take care of themselves, and they also need certain elements from your relationship.

Let’s take a look at these two areas

1. Self-Care for You and Your Partner

   Trauma survivors devote a great deal of energy to taking care of their own emotional, mental, and physical health. Everyone has a different way of doing this, but one of the best things a survivor can do is to have an amazing support system which includes you, as their partner. For most, professional help may be needed. Don’t ever try to force your partner into seeking out help, but instead, you can encourage it in a positive manner. Also, remember that while you’re encouraging your partner’s self-care, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Trauma is exhausting for both people involved, so take time for yourself  to make sure you’re healthy and emotionally prepared to support your partner. Don’t be afraid to seek out your own professional help. It’s not uncommon for partners of trauma survivors to need extra help, too.

2. Supporting Your Partner

   There are many different ways you can be supportive of your partner after they’ve dealt with a traumatic event. A way to start is to educate yourself about the impact of trauma. The more you understand what your partner is going through, the easier it will be to heal your relationship. Communication is the biggest key when it comes to improving your relationship with a trauma survivor. The right kind of communication helps to provide comfort and safety. This can be done with a simple pattern known as ‘Mirroring, Validation, and Empathy.’ It can help to restore a feeling of peace and stability which is especially important when your partner is having a flashback or going through a very difficult time. Gently bring your partner’s attention to the present when they’re struggling with something from the past. When you’re able to remind them that they’re currently safe and secure, and this has the potential to calm them quickly.

Loving a Survivor of Trauma

Relationships are challenging to begin with. When you’re in a relationship with someone who has been through a traumatic experience, it’s even harder, but it’s not impossible to practice deep healing techniques that can help to heal wounds from the past.

If you’re still struggling with how to help your partner, or if your relationship is suffering due to trauma, feel free to contact me please contact me at (717) 288-5064 / gregghammond@restoringbalancelancaster.com and schedule an appointment today. Together, we can develop effective strategies for healing.

Couples Counseling in Lancaster, PA: 3 Obstacles That Keep You From Getting Help

You’ve just had an all too familiar fight again, leaving you exhausted and feeling hopeless. You’ve reacted by going through the cycle of avoidance, ignoring each other, holding grudges, and then it repeats again in a few days or weeks. This time with added resentment.

Here are the complaints I often hear from couples:

• “We just don’t understand each other – we’re never on the same page.”

• “We don’t spend any time together”

• “We don’t even touch each other anymore”

• “We always argue about the same problems.”

• “We don't  talk about our problems without getting defensive and attacking each other. We need help.”

Many couples in the Lancaster, PA area want to overcome their problems and know they need help, but don’t seek out couples counseling. And it’s often for a good reason. Here’s 3 reasons couples don’t go to counseling2

1. Couples Counseling Feels Overwhelming. Many couples are afraid that couples counseling will make their problems worse. They’re worried their problem will come to the surface and they won’t be able to handle it. This fear of conflict is an obstacle that keeps couples from getting the counseling they need. We all have our own experiences with conflict in our lives. Maybe we were hurt or abandoned when arguments happened… maybe we learned to avoid conflict by ignoring, complying, or even trying to control others. Couples find it hard to imagine that conflict can lead to resolution and understanding. This is the goal of couples counseling, and working through fears of conflict is central to making progress.

2. Couples Counseling Feels Exposing. Many couples don’t seek couples counseling because they’re afraid of being exposed...Afraid that something hidden will come to the surface such as hidden behaviors (pornography addiction, drug use, spending habits, etc..) will drive a larger wedge between them. We tell ourselves it’s easier to just keep the issue hidden, although, we know these behaviors often keep us from experiencing the connection and relationship we want with our partner. A skilled therapist will work with you and won’t reveal anything without your consent.

3. Couples Counseling Is Vulnerable. Many couples don’t make the first call because they don’t trust the therapist. They are anxious that the therapist won’t honor their values as a couple, but instead push his or her own values into the relationship.

So the couple doesn’t move forward and they stay in a position of helplessness, fearing that no one will be able to help them and their unique issues.

What Couples Counseling Can Do For You.

If you can move past these fears, there’s possibility for change. Here’s what I see in couples when they take the first step and come in to therapy:

1. Increased Empathy. When a couple slows down and talks (through Mirroring, Validation, and Empathy), I see them grow in their emotional connection. While the conflict doesn’t immediately go away, they grow a solid foundation of understanding and compassion for each other. Conflict (aggression, passive-aggression, sarcasm) can turn into disagreement with a structure and emotional safety. This comes as a great relief to many couples who can sense that they are now on the same ‘team.’

2. Less ‘Hot Button’ Topics. Couples find that they have less topics that drive them apart as more things become openly discussible.

3. Increased Co-Regulation. Co-regulation is a word that describes a couple’s ability to manage difficult emotions together. When couples feel connected to each other’s emotions, they can resolve conflict easily since they recognize that behind the each other’s opinions and beliefs is an emotion which gives it weight. Couples learn that they can stay connected in good times and difficult times.

If you are in the Lancaster, PA area and considering the process of couples counseling, please contact me at (717) 288-5064 / gregghammond@restoringbalancelancaster.com and schedule an appointment today.