You’ve just had an all too familiar fight again, leaving you exhausted and feeling hopeless. You’ve reacted by going through the cycle of avoidance, ignoring each other, holding grudges, and then it repeats again in a few days or weeks. This time with added resentment.

Here are the complaints I often hear from couples:

“We just don’t understand each other – we’re never on the same page.”
“We don’t spend any time together”
“We don’t even touch each other anymore”
“We always argue about the same problems.”
“We don't talk about our problems without getting defensive and attacking each other. We need help.”

Many couples in the Lancaster, PA area want to overcome their problems and know they need help, but don’t seek out couples counseling. And it’s often for a good reason. Here’s 3 reasons couples don’t go to counseling2

Couples Counseling Feels Overwhelming. Many couples are afraid that couples counseling will make their problems worse. They’re worried their problem will come to the surface and they won’t be able to handle it. This fear of conflict is an obstacle that keeps couples from getting the counseling they need. We all have our own experiences with conflict in our lives. Maybe we were hurt or abandoned when arguments happened… maybe we learned to avoid conflict by ignoring, complying, or even trying to control others. Couples find it hard to imagine that conflict can lead to resolution and understanding. This is the goal of couples counseling, and working through fears of conflict is central to making progress.
Couples Counseling Feels Exposing. Many couples don’t seek couples counseling because they’re afraid of being exposed...Afraid that something hidden will come to the surface such as hidden behaviors (pornography addiction, drug use, spending habits, etc..) will drive a larger wedge between them. We tell ourselves it’s easier to just keep the issue hidden, although, we know these behaviors often keep us from experiencing the connection and relationship we want with our partner. A skilled therapist will work with you and won’t reveal anything without your consent.
Couples Counseling Is Vulnerable. Many couples don’t make the first call because they don’t trust the therapist. They are anxious that the therapist won’t honor their values as a couple, but instead push his or her own values into the relationship.

So the couple doesn’t move forward and they stay in a position of helplessness, fearing that no one will be able to help them and their unique issues.

What Couples Counseling Can Do For You.

If you can move past these fears, there’s possibility for change. Here’s what I see in couples when they take the first step and come in to therapy:

Increased Empathy. When a couple slows down and talks (through Mirroring, Validation, and Empathy), I see them grow in their emotional connection. While the conflict doesn’t immediately go away, they grow a solid foundation of understanding and compassion for each other. Conflict (aggression, passive-aggression, sarcasm) can turn into disagreement with a structure and emotional safety. This comes as a great relief to many couples who can sense that they are now on the same ‘team.’
Less ‘Hot Button’ Topics. Couples find that they have less topics that drive them apart as more things become openly discussible.
Increased Co-Regulation. Co-regulation is a word that describes a couple’s ability to manage difficult emotions together. When couples feel connected to each other’s emotions, they can resolve conflict easily since they recognize that behind the each other’s opinions and beliefs is an emotion which gives it weight. Couples learn that they can stay connected in good times and difficult times.

If you are in the Lancaster, PA area and considering the process of couples counseling, please contact me at (717) 288-5064 / gregghammond@restoringbalancelancaster.com and schedule an appointment today.